Abuse

            Ever since I did the blog on bullying, I’ve been thinking about working on a one that deals with abuse. I recently met someone online through the writing website I belong to. EJ as he prefers to be called has been working on a series based on his experiences as a child. Though he’s fictionalized some of what happens (you’ll have to read it to know what I’m talking about. I won’t spoil it), what he’s gone through is real. In fact, it’s so real that he’s decided to remove the fiction and focus on the truth of what happened to him.

        Both the fiction and truth of what he writes are startling. His parents got away with everything they did to him. When he finally had a chance to be happy and out of their lives they had to go in and ruin it. I have never hated four people more than I do his parents and his sisters. Instead of sticking up for him like good siblings, no matter the consequence, they helped to encourage their parents to beat their brother so badly that at one time or another to death!

        I’ve been looking into some statistics on this and looking at the National Child Abuse Statistics available on www.childhelp.org the results are startling. Did you know that not only are 14% of all men in prison in the USA were abused as children, but that 36% of all women in prison were abused as children as well. Also that children who experience child abuse & neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violent crime.[1]

        I, for one, can’t understand how parents can treat their children this way. I also don’t get how other children, who are old enough to understand what’s going on, can let this happen. I mean, from what I’ve read and in conducting the interview and just in speaking with EJ, that his sisters knew what would happen to him and they just didn’t care. I may not get along with my siblings, but I don’t think that any of them would wish me dead. I know that I wouldn’t want that for them.

        I know that I’ve written in my blog on bullying that children are the cruelest of all of us, but blood is supposed to be thicker than water.

        I’m not close to all of my siblings (three of them I don’t know, two I’ve only known for a few years, and two I grew up with), but wouldn’t wish them harm. It’s damned near inconceivable to me that siblings could behave that way to one another.

        His parents aren’t any better. Just like in his case, there are several parents today that should never have been. There have been so many cases lately where men and women have killed their children to get out of raising them or because their significant other didn’t want children. Such as Susan Smith and Diane Downs.

        [2]Susan Smith was a young mother to two boys: 3 year old Danny and 14 month old Alexander who lived in South Carolina. With both of her children strapped into their car seats, she let the car roll down a large embankment and into John D. Lake. Both boys died on October 25, 1994 simply because her rich boyfriend didn’t want a woman with children already. She was convicted of two counts of murder in late 1994 and is currently serving a life sentence in South Carolina.

        [3]Diane Downs was another young mother. She had two girls: 7 year old Cheryl and 9year old Christie; and 4 year old Stephen who lived in Springfield, Oregon. She shot her three children on May 19, 1983. Again she allegedly did this because her boyfriend didn’t want children. She was convicted on two counts of attempted murder and criminal assault for the attempts on Christie and Stephen and one count of murder for killing Cheryl. She is currently serving a sentence of life plus fifty years.

        Then there’s [4]Andrea Yates a young mother with severe psychological issues; suffering from postpartum depression and psychosis with five children. Four boys: 7 year old Noah, 5 year old John, 3 year old Paul, and 2 year old Luke; also 6 month old Mary. She drowned them all in their Houston home. She was convicted in June of 2002 where shortly after it was overturned and then later found not guilty by reason of insanity. She is serving her time in a Texas mental institution.

        I’m sure that many of you think that those instances aren’t abuse, but they are. Think of it this way: Christie and Stephen have to live for the rest of their lives knowing that while they are now happy and away from their mother, she did try to kill them. She had given plenty of time and forethought in her plan to rid herself of her children. Christie and Stephen were lucky enough to finally be rid of their birthmother. EJ wasn’t so lucky. He was forced to live the life he was given. If it’s not abuse then why did those children suffer? Even though Andrea Yates is insane, she had to know that she was hurting her children. She had to know that by holding their little bodies underneath the water in the bathtub wasn’t a smart thing to do. While the youngest probably didn’t fight her, the oldest had to.

        There are all kinds of abuse that have lasting effects. That’s why some abuse victims refuse to marry or procreate. They don’t want to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

        Below is my interview with EJ Sheperd.

Abuse Blog Questions

What is your full name?

Eric J Shepherd

How old are you?

46

How many siblings do you have? How old are they?

3

Susan 45, Aaron 40, Beck 39

Do you remember how old you were when the abuse first occurred?

I was beaten by objects (wooden spoons, Metal Pancake turner, father’s belt buckle side sharpened, fist and feet)

Both parents doled out the punishment; sometimes one at a time or both at the same time.

What happened and who doled out the ‘punishment?’

Rarely, it was mostly me and my brother. No.  My sisters and I never got a long. Nothing has changed regarding this. Only one I get a long with is my brother.

Were your siblings abused as well? Did you get along?

Rarely, it was mostly me and my brother. No.  My sisters and I never got a long. Nothing has changed regarding this. Only one I get a long with is my brother.

How often were you ‘punished?’ Once a week? Twice? What was used?

Nearly everyday or when the mood suited them. Didn’t matter if I did anything wrong. Just being in the same room was all it took. Sometimes my sisters would rally them up if they felt we didn’t get enough. Or blame us for what they did wrong and was about to get in trouble for

Fists, wooden belt were mostly used or whatever was handy

Did the beatings ever put you in the hospital? How many times?

Sometimes for stitches or broken bones. Saying we fell down the stairs or off our bike. Thing was, me and my brother weren’t allowed bikes. The older we got the more sever the beatings became.  

Were you removed from the home?

yes

How many times? Were the families good ones?

19 homes in total.

Some were good homes others were just as bad as the home I lived in or worse. Others just wanted that pay check the state gave them. Very few homes were good ones that cared about you and gave you the love that you deserved. These homes became a rarity if you were there for six months and were doing well. The state would send you home to repeat the process. 

When you got old enough, did you fight back?

As many times that I could, which came with a price of a more severe beatings until you were old enough, strong enough; that didn’t matter if you lived or died. The beating was going to stop. Running A way was always my best option when came to fighting back. If they can’t catch you, they can’t beat you, if they can’t find you. They can’t beat you. The one problem I had and was my weakness was my brother. I always came back because of him.

In your own words, tell me how you feel about your parents? Your siblings?

I have only hate for my parents and my sisters. Their lives mean very little to me. If I had a choice and if I find a way; I would remove every connection to them. In this life and the next; I would rather be an orphan than have anything to do with them.  Aaron is the only one I cared about. Only one I made sure that didn’t end up like me. 

We had both agreed not to have any children as long as my parents remained a live. So they would be without grandchildren, and there would be no way to continue the family line. If I needed proof that victims can become the abusers; all I have to do is look at Susan. She married right out of high school has two children which she had been known to beat them. My parents moved in with her so they could be with their only grandchildren. My sister Becky was kicked out the home and disowned like me for reporting the abuses of her sister, husband and their grandparents.

Numerous times they did this in her presence until they managed to get court order that stated she not allowed too call write or visit them. I haven’t heard from her since my high school graduation. Aaron hasn’t heard from her since she was kicked out. Neither of us feel sorry enough to track her down.   

Was there anyone that could have helped stop the abuse if they’d only listened to and/or believed you? Did you get along with that person? Do you have any hard feelings towards that person today?

My grandmother and my Grandfather were the only ones that would stop them sometimes her sisters; until my grandfather passed away when I was 6. Than only became my grandmother and her sisters. None of my other uncles or their children when they got old enough would step in. Felt it was none of their business what went on behind doors, and eyes closed ignoring the problem all together. Teachers seldom helped or believed it or want to believe it was happening. The ones that did learn about it, kept quiet not daring to make the matters worse other than call the authorities. Neighbors and church members looked away and did nothing or wanted to get involved. Others just simple closed their eyes refusing to believe that a member of the LDS faith was capable of doing such atrocities to their own children. The law was useless regarding child’s rights and what they could or wouldn’t do. Good or bad, made little difference.

To say that I resent people that do nothing, but stand by and let happen, regardless if they are family members or not. Would be an understatement; the mere thought of them doing nothing when they could have done something that would have end the beatings. Angers me a lot; today those same people wish this family secret would still be hidden behind clothes door.  Wishing I would forgive and most of all forget it ever happened. So it does not shame them, this is a family matter nothing more. I asked. If this happened to you, how could you so easily forget? They responded. “All your doing is as adding more fuel to the fire. Yet they avoided the question with “Sorry, there is nothing you can do about it now. Except forget it ever happened and by forgiving them. Best thing you can do is let your parents back into your life. Everyone makes mistakes and this will not change anything.” I am sorry, but this is not answers I can live with. Not now or ever, this kind of mistake is unforgivable. And as far as letting them back into my life. I rather die. Hell I am already dieing a little more each day.

Was there anything that you would have done differently, if you could have?

Yes I wish had left my brother alone or took him with me, running away. So far that nobody would have found him or me. Like I said before he was my weakness. Now he is my regret that he lives without the nightmares that haunt me. Because I intervened on his behave when no one was willing to do the same for me. And the ones that were willing never got the chance as my parents took the chances of my happiness away from me and having loving parents. I was merely property and tool to be owned. If they couldn’t have me no one would was their motto and creed. To them I did not deserve to be loved by anyone. I asked my mother and father years ago if they had any regret’s. The only regret they had was not killing me and my brother. But mostly me; to them I did not deserve to beloved like my sisters; to them they where angels until Becky turned on them. 

Were your parents religious? Do you think that played a role in the abuse?

yes but not religious by belief, But by using religion to what they could gain by being LDS. To them it was a cloak to hide behind, nothing more as it paid for food and bills. And knowing how gullible people of this faith are. Regarding abusing children in their home, knowing full-well that people believed that abuse of this kind is rare and are members of the church. I you were an alcoholic or were addicted to drugs. This persona is more cable of doing these atrocities

If you could have done serious damage to them and been able to walk away with it, would you have done so?

If they could of died or suffered one tenth of what me and my brother went through. I would have done something, just too ended it.

Was there any point in your life where you wondered why is this happening to me? Did you look to God for answers? If not, do you believe in God? Do you believe in a higher power at all?

I prayed a lot hoping if there was a God that he would stop this and everyday. “What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this?” All I got was nothing but his silence. The beatings just got worst. My prayers went unanswered. To this very day I no longer pray to a God that does nothing but cause pain. Do I still believe? I have some serious doubts. He has yet to take my suffering away or ease the burden. Death seems the only recourse.

Was the abuse just physical or was it mental as well?

It was both, my father never called me by my birth name. It was either “boy” or some other swear word or anything that thought would insult me. Murdering bastard was his favorite. Ever since I watched Jeff Fry die opening that door the second the gun went off. I was known as the murdering bastard. I was raped and physically and mental abused constantly in my last foster home, to add to the nightmares.

Was there a point, before you were born, that they could have saved all of you the trouble and put you up for adoption?

Yes they could, but my grandmother wouldn’t have allowed it until the last time when they had nearly killed me and got away with it. But my parents would not hear of it. Instead they had me forcibly removed from the home charging them with child abduction; stopped them at the state line as we were fleeing the country. Three months later I was placed into another foster home with conditions. Never being allowed to leave the state of Utah regardless of the reason or contact the Downing’s. Never to be allowed to be alone with my grandmother incase she removed me from the home. No contact with any family members. Other than that they could do what ever they wished. If they abused in anyway me they did not want to know, if they killed me burry me in unmarked grave. Note in file says not to contact them or anyone if that happened.

Is there anything else that you would like to say to the other victims of abuse?

If you can find a way to escape, run away and don’t look back. Don’t let weakness of another family member cause you to turn back. Nine times out of ten that family member will not go through the same abuses. But if do belive that not leaving him or her will make a difference; take them with you and what ever you do stay out sight until you are safe. Than go to the authorities and report the abuses. But state that you must never be placed back into that home. I can’t guarantee that foster care is the best choice, but take the chances and roll the dice. You might get lucky and go into a good home. If not don’t stop until you are in one; don’t settle for second best. You have the right to be happy. If you can avoid any of the things I went through. You have chance at a normal life

Is there anything that you would like to tell your abusers?

The laws are changing, If I find one child that you have abused I will personal find a way to end you and put you in prison for the rest of your life. There is not a hole deep enough you can hide in that I won’t find you. Dead or a live I will haunt you and hunt you down. You will think Hell is a paradise to what you will get when I find you.

Is there anything that you would like to say to anyone else?

Abuse is a serous crime against defenseless children; that it is just as bad as a murder. I see no difference in the crime. Consider the child either dies by their abusers hand or left traumatized enough that he or she becomes the abuser or in most cases end their lives with the guilt of causing the same atrocities on their own children and wives. But most cases the victim is left in sever pain and guilt thinking death is the only way out. Either way their life is over because of the abuser. It is hard too blame the victim for wanting it to end; when others out there have no answers that would help them. I have yet to find a religion or God that helps the victim other than tormenting him or her. Letting the abuser go free, hiding behind a mask of Family Laws, either church or State and their religion.

I don’t care if you are alcoholics, Drug addicts or simple church going people. Not even a pastor, priest, bishop or any church authority should get away with it or use it to hide behind. An abuse is a crime that should not be taken lightly or be forgiven in this life or the next. We all have a responsibility to make sure that no child lives with this kinda or any abuses. Parents do not have the right to abuses their children. They needed to be held accountable in this life and put in prison instead of letting them continue doing so with a simple slap on the wrist. We need to find away to help the victims instead of sweeping them under the rug while ignore them.

I hope my series What’s Behind The Looking Glass helps and gives Victims enough courage to go on. And my Book My Life & How It Changed Me.Gives the ones that abuses children nightmares, that they stop and turn themselves in. And gives the children that are going through it now; courage to find someone to turn to and stop the abuse from getting worse or have enough courage to run far enough a way from it. And not be afraid to seek outside help; before it is too late. 

My life may end in torment, but there is no reason that theirs has to. We make the difference. If all we do is help one child from experiencing it. You must stand up and be counted, don’t hide in the background hoping it will pass you by. By doing so you are letting the abuser go free. Murder is murder and I hope you live with that guilt if you did nothing to stop it. If there is a God may he have no mercy on your soul for letting that abuser go free. And may he forgive the victim for living that torment by punishing his abuser and giving the victim a second chance to be placed in a loving home; here and the next life.

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[1] Found at www.childhelp.org/pages/statitics and their sources at the US Department of Health and Human Services.

[2] Information obtained from en.wikipedia.org/Susan_Smith

[3] Information obtained from en.wikipedia.org/Diane_Downs

[4] Information obtained from en.wikipedia.org/Andrea_Yates